HOW MANY TIMES MUST SEX BE DONE IN A WEEK OR MORE?
How many times a week should you REALLY be having sex? Tracey Cox reveals the perfect number for a happy relationship
- Tracey Cox says the frequency will naturally vary for different couples
- It's highly unusual for long-term couples to have sex every day
- Research suggests happier couples do it three to four times a week
How
much sex makes people happiest? Is there a magic number of times per
week the average couple should aim for to keep both partners happy in
bed and out?
Traditionally, therapists say sex counts for about a quarter of the total happiness of a relationship.
But
new studies reveal all sorts of interesting – and contradictory -
evidence on how much sex contributes to long-term relationship
satisfaction. Here's the latest on who's happiest doing what.
According to expert Tracey Cox, having sex every day doesn't necessarily make a couple happier or closer
COUPLES WHO HAVE SEX EVERY DAY
If
you’re under 25 or in the first throes of your relationship, you’ll put
a mental tick beside this one and go back to finding out the latest on
Kim and Kanye.
But if you’re a long-term couple or older, the idea of daily sex will probably seem, well, unlikely.
A
few years ago, books like 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy grabbed the
headlines, chronicling what happened when a long-term couple agreed to
have sex every single day, (pretty much) no excuses allowed.
The
couple claimed at the end of their sex-fuelled year, they felt happier,
less angry and less stressed. Since then, hundreds of journalists and
other couples have taken the challenge – with varying success.
Daily sex is a big ask for most busy people and more sex isn’t necessarily a good thing.
One
study that asked couples having sex about six times a month to double
the frequency had a disastrous effect on their sex lives.
They enjoyed
sex less and were in worse moods than those who stuck to their norm.
Sex expert Tracey says that typically, most couples will only find the time to have sex once a week
(Ask any couple trying for a baby: there’s nothing like havingto have sex to dampen the keenest participants!)
Most
of us, sensibly, enjoy this level of frequency when young or at the
start of relationships, then turn it down to more realistic levels.
COUPLES WHO HAVE SEX THREE TO FOUR TIMES A WEEK
A 2004 study found the more sex people had, the happier they felt (I told you the results were contradictory!).
The book, The Normal Bar, supports this finding.
Published
in 2013 and written by three, well-respected US scholars (including
sexologist Pepper Schwartz), it draws on thousands of surveys to find
out what makes couples happy.
Three to four times a week was the perfect amount for prime levels of happiness, according to the authors.
If
you don’t have children, are in the peak of health, going through a
great time in your relationship, highly sexed and highly motivated, this
could be your magic number.
COUPLES WHO HAVE SEX ONCE A WEEK
The reality is, this is the category most of us fit into.
If
forced to generalise about how often the ‘average’ couple have sex,
once a week is probably the best estimate you’re going to get – far
lower than the often banded about figure of 2.5 times a week.
The
most recent reputable data on Britain’s bedtime habits (NATSAL, 2013)
reported most of us have sex around five times a month.
The good news
is, there’s now research to prove weekly sex isn’t the ‘failure’ lots of
couples think it is.
A
sizeable US study done earlier this year (of 2,400 married couples)
found although couples who had more sex said they were happier, the
benefit levelled off at once a week.
Couples
who had sex four or more times a week weren’t any happier than those
who did it weekly. Why does this figure hit the jackpot? Because it’s a
realistic goal.
According to studies, couples
who had sex four or more times a week weren’t any happier than those who
did it weekly. 'Why does this figure hit the jackpot?' Tracey asks.
'Because it’s a realistic goal'
It
allows you to find a time when both of you are feeling relaxed enough
to become aroused but is often enough to stop the awful pressure couples
feel when there’s been a sex drought.
The longer you go without sex, the more the pressure is on to have sex for longer next time.
But
if you can’t find time for a quickie, how do you find time and energy
for a two-hour marathon session that’s also got to be fantastic to make
up for not having it for ages?
COUPLES WHO DON'T HAVE SEX - EVER
One in four couples over 50 don’t have any sex at all.
But
far from complaining about it, the couples surveyed by Gransnet (634
users aged 51 to 58) said they felt extremely happy and satisfied in
their sexless relationships with only 65 per cent rating sex as
important.
There’s
an important caveat here: this holds true when both partners are happy
not having sex, not when just one person decides to take sex off the
table.
But
if you’ve both had an honest conversation and decided it’s simply not
something you value any longer, sex doesn’t appear to be the ‘must have’
factor for a happy relationship that experts traditionally believed.
This can also be the case for couples under 50, who both have low or no sexual drive, and are happy not to have it.
Times
readers may have read the excellent piece ‘Just good friends: can
sexless marriages really survive?' this weekend, complete with
convincing first-hand testimonies from real-life couples whose
relationships actually improved once they stopped having sex.
A recent Gransnet survey showed
that many couples felt extremely happy and satisfied in their sexless
relationships with only 65 per cent rating sex as important
Another
well-respected US study also found the biggest predictor for overall
happiness for couples was the relationship connection not sex.
It’s still society’s view that couples who aren’t having sex are unhappy and clearly have problems - but that simply isn’t true.
One
of the main reasons why couples stop having sex isn’t because their
relationship has gone sour or they don’t fancy their partners, it’s
because they’re so close, the relationship has stopped being sexual.
The
closer you are, the more you describe yourself as ‘best friends’ or
‘soul mates’, the less likely you are to be turned on by your partner.
Feeling
like sex is usually our motivation for having sex but if you think of
your partner more as a friend, your brain subconsciously takes them out
of the ‘someone who I have sex with ‘ basket and puts them into the
‘someone I cuddle with’ category.
'Forget
everything you’ve been told,' says US sex therapist Ian Kerner, 'Trust,
familiarity, predictability, romance – are not the building blocks of
desire.'
Novelty
is what tricks the brain into producing the hormones it did at the
start. If you’re happy with the brother/sister dynamic, fine.
If you’re
not, simply start by having sex once a week whether you feel like it or
not.
Change location to make yourself see your partner in a different light. Feed your fantasies. Be naughty; think edgy.
Imagine
someone else fancying them: a little bit of jealousy might feel
uncomfortable but it does wonders for suddenly making you see your
partner through someone else’s admiring eyes.
COUPLES WHO MAKE THEIR OWN RULES AND COULDN'T CARE LESS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES
No-one can really look in on your relationship and come up with the ideal amount of sex for you.
Individual circumstances make a mockery or any statistic, no matter how reputable the study or convincing the argument.
If
you’ve got three kids under four and under foot, the right amount of
sex for two frazzled, exhausted parents is probably none for months at a
stretch.
If you’re both 21 and three months into a relationship, once a day is a low sex day.
Your
fitness levels, the state of your relationship, your natural resting
libidos (the amount you’re motivated to have sex), medication, stress
levels, commitments to ageing mothers, traumatised friends, career
pressure, depression, menopause, erection difficulties, feeling unwell,
too drunk, too angry, too tired – we’re human beings, not machines and
all these factors affect desire.
The
only question you really need to answer is this: are you both happy
with the amount of sex you’re having? If the answer is yes, you’re doing
just fine.
How Often Do ‘Normal’ Couples Have Sex?
The Average
There is some question among sex therapists about what the true average is for couples in committed relationships. The answers can range from once a week to once a month! When Ian Kerner, PhD, was asked how he responds to couples who ask him how often they should have sex, he said, “I've always responded that there’s no one right answer.After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course, the quality of their overall relationship, to name just a few
So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I've somewhat been less equivocal and advise couples to try to do it at least once a week.”
According to David Schnarch, PhD, through a study conducted with more than 20,000 couples, he found that only 26% of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less!
And in a third study, it was reported that out of the 16,000 adults interviewed, the older participants were having sex about 2 to 3 times per month, while younger participants said they were having sex about once a week.
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Most
sex therapists agree that having sex less than 10 times a year is
reason enough to label your marriage a sexless one.
However, a lack of sex does not mean your marriage is in trouble, according to Schnarch.
While sex may be the way couples typically express their love and desire for each other, a lack of sex doesn't necessarily mean that you are headed for a break-up, though it is something that you should get a handle on.
Dr. Kerner says, “Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends' at best, or ‘bickering roommates' at worst.”
How to Sync Your Sex Drives
There
are a lot of factors that need to fall into place to make sex something
you are desiring. In many couples, a difference in opinion can be a
problem.
Al Cooper, from the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, says, “In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex.
No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.”
As with every issue in a relationship, sex and the frequency at which you have it requires compromise.
It may seem like a large mountain to climb, when you think of all the other things you deal with on a daily basis.
Laundry, work, cooking meals, cleaning, and other tasks often seem more important than a quickie with your partner; but sex can become fun again! Kerner says, “Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump; but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it.
The old adage ‘use it or lose it' has some truth. So does my suggestion, ‘try it, you'll like it.'”
At first, it might mean scheduling sex and making the time that leads up to the sex more intimate.
Hug each other each day, exercise to increase your testosterone levels, and turn off the distractions, like the computer and TV. If you are still having problems with being able to engage in intimacy, seeing a sex therapist may really help you and your partner land on the same page!
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Who Wants Sex More, Men or Women?
Our sex doctors face off and give their opinion on the age old question, "Do women really want sex as much as men?"
Dr. Trina Read and Dr. Brian Parker discuss who wants more sex, men or women?
“ In order for women to want sex more, men have to give us a reason to have sex more.”
|
Brian, do you remember the Woody Allen movie where on a split screen, Mia Farrow says to her psychiatrist, "He constantly wants sex—three times a week." On the adjacent screen Woody Allen says, "We hardly ever have sex—three times a week?"
I believe women do want sex as much as men. The challenge, though, is that it has to be memorable sex.
If any of you men are wondering why your gal isn’t as enthused about sex as you it’s probably because…are you ready? The sex is all about you, not her. Women would like sex to have a beginning, middle and end.
Instead, she gets the all-about-the-man sex—you clutch and grab her three hot spots, she hopefully has an orgasm and if not, oh well, there’s always next time, and then it’s on to you (finally!!!). After a few months of that old and tired routine other things bring more stimulation, like reading a romance novel.
It’s not rocket science Brian. Estrogen is far more powerful on female sexual desire than testosterone could ever hope to be. Think of when a woman is having her horny day. Heaven help the husband if he doesn’t pull through on a booty-call.
Men have two to 20 times more testosterone than women, but this does not mean men have 20 times the sex drive. A higher level of testosterone is needed for male sexual desire than for women.
And the thing that kills me Brian is guys get all wigged out if the gal is sexually assertive. Tracy Cox in her book Hot Sex writes, "These days, it’s just as likely to be her ripping off your suit and you’re complaining you’re too tired. And as women become more comfortable with sex, men are becoming less secure."
Hmmm. Let’s think about this. Men say they want an equal and active partner and when it happens his little head goes into hiding.
Most women see sex as emotional connection time. When she doesn’t feel that emotional connection because sex is only about having an orgasm, sex becomes one more thing on her to-do list.
Bottom line Brian: In order for women to want sex more, men have to give us a reason to have sex more. Stop making the sex all about you.
Dr. Brian’s Counterpoint: Let’s get on the same schedule.
Trina, I agree that many women have equal or stronger sex drives than us men, but many do not. Here’s the proof. Research shows that 30 percent of women suffer from lack of desire. In fact, it’s the number one reason you chicks aren’t getting busy in the bedroom. By the way, only 14 percent of men suffer from it.
A recent ELLE/MSNBC.com survey found that 66 percent of men in a relationship said they want more sex compared to only 25 percent of women. And, men are more likely than women to be very disappointed with the amount of body contact they get in their relationship.
During one of my presentations, a teenage boy once asked, "Is it true that guys think about sex over 30 times per day and girls only think about it once per day?" For a teenage boy this is most likely true, but is it true for adults?
I’d have to agree that many men do think (or at least talk) about sex daily. And, men are easily distracted by the slight chance they might get some. If you rub up against a guy’s tender region while in the kitchen, he’s likely to bend you over the table. Do the same thing to a woman and you’ll get whacked with a rolling pin.
And you’re right Trina, some guys only care about releasing their little soldiers. But many men will flick the ticker till their playmate has had triple digit Oh’s. Well, more likely one-to-one, but who’s counting?
Men also turn to some umm…one hand reading material to release tension. If there is one thing that should prove that men are hornier, it’s that we jack much more than you jill. Studies repeatedly show that about 25 percent more men than women engage in solo sex.
So Trina, here’s my bottom line. Men and women have to work together to find a level of sexual frequency that works for both of them. Try to work towards a bedroom compromise. Scheduling sex together also works for a number of couples.
Don’t concern yourself with quantity. A-once-a-week-jolly-ole’-romp is better than a routine starfish lay three times per week.
Don’t make sex a routine, try new things and take turns initiating—your sex life will improve drastically.
Dr. Brian Parker is a sexologist and sex educator and the creator of two sexual intimacy board games "Embrace" and "Pillow Talk". The games are available on his website, www.foreverpleasure.com which features original erotic art, high-end sensual products and adult sex education.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and Trina Read is the founder of VivaXO.com.
You can also hear more from MICHAEL TEYE HOLISON
We Need To Admit That Men Need Sex More Than Women Do
This used to be something people
understood, but in a culture that insists the sexes are ‘equal,’ as in
the same, that understanding has vanished.
5, 2017
There’s a great scene in the 1977 film “Annie Hall” in which a
therapist asks the main character Alvy (played by Woody Allen) how
often he and his live-in girlfriend Annie (played by Diane Keaton) have
sex. Alvy answers, “Hardly ever, maybe three times a week.”
Then the film, in a split screen, cuts to the same therapist asking Annie how often she and Alvy have sex, to which she replies, “All the time, like three times a week.”
The message couldn’t be more obvious: When it comes to sex, men and women have very different needs. This used to be something people understood (my mother told me as much when I was young, although I didn’t believe her), but in a culture that insists the sexes are “equal,” as in the same, that understanding has vanished. As a result, so has any sympathy for men’s unique sexual desire.
Here’s a great way to explain the difference between a man’s attitude toward sex and a woman’s: How many men do you know who’d be offended if a woman told him she’d like to use his body for sex? Now turn that scenario around. If a man told a woman he’d like to use her body for sex, it would be grounds for sexual harassment. Apples and oranges.
We don’t laugh at messages like this anymore (well, clearly I do). Instead, we’re hostile toward the idea that a wife should have sex with her husband if she isn’t “in the mood.” But most women’s sexual desire isn’t as dire at most men’s. From a physiological standpoint, a woman’s sex drive is tied to her menstrual cycle, whereas a man’s is fairly constant. Moreover, a man doesn’t need much preparation for sex, whereas a woman prefers romance and foreplay first. So by all accounts, there’s a disconnect.
The way we connect as men and women is simply different. For a man, sex is his number one mode of communication. A woman is more emotionally expressive and nurturing and, as a result, seeks intimacy via cuddling, talking, and so forth. It’s not that women don’t like sex or that men never want to talk, it’s that these respective desires differ in their intensity.
That’s not to say all men and all women have the exact same sex drive. But it is to say there’s a general rule or framework at play. In the same way women need to talk, to release whatever’s on our minds, men need a release of a different sort. But that release isn’t just a physical act any more than your need to talk is just a physical act. When you talk to your husband and he gives you his undivided attention, that makes you feel loved, doesn’t it?
It’s the same way for men. Your husband wants to have sex with you because that’s how he feels loved. And it’s how he shows his love for you. If you hold this against him, or if you deny him the ability to show you his love, you’re effectively telling him you don’t love him. Ergo, to turn your husband down in bed is akin to telling him you need to talk to him about something and him responding, “Sorry, not interested.”
That this is true doesn’t mean wives need to be sex slaves (although the culture will insist otherwise). All it means is that women need to be sympathetic toward the fact that men’s sexual needs differ from theirs. If we reject this fact outright, bad things happen, as sociologist Catherine Hakim wrote about here. Men’s increased libido, she says, is like “hunger”: it cannot be ignored. Testosterone is powerful stuff.
Indeed, women who take testosterone to transition to a male appearance “always say within a day, ‘I wanted to go out and f*** everyone and fight everyone.’” She adds, “I have met young men who have said that hormonal lust was such a problem for them that it should be possible to go to the doctor and get chemicals to tone them down. It had infected all their relationships. Men know it’s for real.”
Smart women do, too.
Birds do it, bees do it, and men do it any old time. But
women will only do it if the candles are scented just right -- and their
partner has done the dishes first. A stereotype, sure, but is it true?
Do men really have stronger sex drives than women?
Well, yes, they do. Study after study shows that men's sex drives are not only stronger than women's, but much more straightforward.
The sources of women's libidos, by contrast, are much harder to pin down.
It's common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.
But women also appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well.
"Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context," says Edward O.
Laumann, PhD. He is a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of a major survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States.
Here are seven patterns of men's and women's sex drives that researchers have found. Bear in mind that people may vary from these norms.
As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often.
In a survey of studies comparing male and female sex drives, Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist at Florida State University, found that men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies.
Men are more likely to seek sex even when it's frowned upon or even outlawed:
Then the film, in a split screen, cuts to the same therapist asking Annie how often she and Alvy have sex, to which she replies, “All the time, like three times a week.”
The message couldn’t be more obvious: When it comes to sex, men and women have very different needs. This used to be something people understood (my mother told me as much when I was young, although I didn’t believe her), but in a culture that insists the sexes are “equal,” as in the same, that understanding has vanished. As a result, so has any sympathy for men’s unique sexual desire.
Here’s a great way to explain the difference between a man’s attitude toward sex and a woman’s: How many men do you know who’d be offended if a woman told him she’d like to use his body for sex? Now turn that scenario around. If a man told a woman he’d like to use her body for sex, it would be grounds for sexual harassment. Apples and oranges.
There’s a Disconnect Between the Sexes on Sex
My favorite description of the male sex drive was explained in the book “Letters to My Daughters,” by former political consultant Mary Matalin. In it, Matalin shares a funny anecdote about her mother, who once said to Mary, “Men would screw a snake if it would sit still long enough.” That had me in stitches!We don’t laugh at messages like this anymore (well, clearly I do). Instead, we’re hostile toward the idea that a wife should have sex with her husband if she isn’t “in the mood.” But most women’s sexual desire isn’t as dire at most men’s. From a physiological standpoint, a woman’s sex drive is tied to her menstrual cycle, whereas a man’s is fairly constant. Moreover, a man doesn’t need much preparation for sex, whereas a woman prefers romance and foreplay first. So by all accounts, there’s a disconnect.
The way we connect as men and women is simply different. For a man, sex is his number one mode of communication. A woman is more emotionally expressive and nurturing and, as a result, seeks intimacy via cuddling, talking, and so forth. It’s not that women don’t like sex or that men never want to talk, it’s that these respective desires differ in their intensity.
For Men, Sex Is Communication
As a rule, men communicate via sex. Via action. Your husband isn’t being insulting when you walk by and he grabs your butt. He’s not being rude when he turns some innocuous statement you made into something sexual. (If I had a dollar for every time that happens in our house!) He’s trying to get close to you. So let him. If he didn’t do those things, you’d have a problem on your hands.That’s not to say all men and all women have the exact same sex drive. But it is to say there’s a general rule or framework at play. In the same way women need to talk, to release whatever’s on our minds, men need a release of a different sort. But that release isn’t just a physical act any more than your need to talk is just a physical act. When you talk to your husband and he gives you his undivided attention, that makes you feel loved, doesn’t it?
It’s the same way for men. Your husband wants to have sex with you because that’s how he feels loved. And it’s how he shows his love for you. If you hold this against him, or if you deny him the ability to show you his love, you’re effectively telling him you don’t love him. Ergo, to turn your husband down in bed is akin to telling him you need to talk to him about something and him responding, “Sorry, not interested.”
That this is true doesn’t mean wives need to be sex slaves (although the culture will insist otherwise). All it means is that women need to be sympathetic toward the fact that men’s sexual needs differ from theirs. If we reject this fact outright, bad things happen, as sociologist Catherine Hakim wrote about here. Men’s increased libido, she says, is like “hunger”: it cannot be ignored. Testosterone is powerful stuff.
Indeed, women who take testosterone to transition to a male appearance “always say within a day, ‘I wanted to go out and f*** everyone and fight everyone.’” She adds, “I have met young men who have said that hormonal lust was such a problem for them that it should be possible to go to the doctor and get chemicals to tone them down. It had infected all their relationships. Men know it’s for real.”
Smart women do, too.
Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?
Experts say men score higher in libido, while women's sex drive is more "fluid."
Do men really have stronger sex drives than women?
Well, yes, they do. Study after study shows that men's sex drives are not only stronger than women's, but much more straightforward.
The sources of women's libidos, by contrast, are much harder to pin down.
It's common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.
But women also appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well.
"Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context," says Edward O.
Laumann, PhD. He is a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of a major survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States.
Here are seven patterns of men's and women's sex drives that researchers have found. Bear in mind that people may vary from these norms.
Continue Reading Below
1. Men think more about sex.
The majority of adult men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, reports Laumann. Only about one-quarter of women say they think about it that frequently.As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often.
In a survey of studies comparing male and female sex drives, Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist at Florida State University, found that men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies.
2. Men seek sex more avidly.
"Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it," Baumeister concludes after reviewing several surveys of men and women. This isn't just true of heterosexuals, he says; gay men also have sex more often than lesbians at all stages of the relationship. Men also say they want more sex partners in their lifetime, and are more interested in casual sex.Men are more likely to seek sex even when it's frowned upon or even outlawed:
- About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though about half also say they feel guilty about it, Laumann says. By contrast, about 40% of women say they masturbate, and the frequency of masturbation is smaller among women.
- Prostitution is still mostly a phenomenon of men seeking sex with women, rather than the other way around.
- Nuns do a better job of fulfilling their vows of chastity than priests. Baumeister cites a survey of several hundred clergy in which 62% of priests admitted to sexual activity, compared to 49% of nuns. The men reported more partners on average than the women.
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